This is why I don’t garden

October 24, 2008 at 6:48 pm (environmental blah blah, Movies, Scary movies)

Hey! Remember that one time when I started this blog and I said to myself, “Self, we are going to write  witty, intelligent things about horror movies and books because we love them and we are going to do it every day because thats what writers do,” and then, you know, I didn’t. But, today I will because I recently saw maybe the grossest movie I’ve ever seen. Its about plants. Evil ones.

The Ruins stars Jena Malone, the chick from Donnie Darko who my boyfriend has a major crush on and I don’t understand why because I AM THE ONLY GIRL HE FINDS ATTRACTIVE, so as soon as this thing started I kept shouting “That bitch from Donnie Darko is gonna die!” Not that I’m jealous or anything. Anywho, Jena and some other attractive twenty-somethings are in Mexico getting their drink on when they meet this German guy who invites them to check out some secret ruins. So the kids down some more Cabo Wabo tequila and head out to get some “culture.” And they go to the ruins, and things are totally bitchin until these natives come out of the jungle and start pointing guns at them. Of course, no one speaks the language, and after one of their buds get SHOT IN THE CHEST, the kids retreat onto the ruins, to regroup and plan how the hell they will get out of there.

Now it gets weird. There’s a whole lot of this one kind of vine on these ruins. And like any good survivor, everyone starts touching the vines. Which proceed to give everyone a wicked, painful rash. They also hear the dead guys cell phone ringing from within the ruins, so they decide to go and investigate. After one person paralyzes himself falling down the shaft, another girl and then another is sent down to investigate and get the phone.

But its not the phone ringing. Its the plant. Its mimicing the ring of a phone to lure them down there, into the dark. And when she reaches out to touch it, the vine grabs her hand. It dawns on the group that the villagers didn’t want to take them hostage, they were quarantining them because they had touched the plant.

I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but I didn’t open my eyes during the second half of this thing because it was so gross. And it really makes me think twice when I walk past creeping vines on my way to work in the morning. When the fog is right, and the wind is chilled, I can almost hear them rustling, waiting.

4 Comments

  1. meagank said,

    I love this. I love you. You are lovely.

  2. stoogepie said,

    Oh, I saw this movie. It’s not so bad, as in gross. But it was bad, as in full of plot holes. And, like many of these movies, a lot of the characters’ actions just don’t make sense. Are there really enough villagers to surround the entire ruin? I mean, that would be hundreds of villagers, all armed to the teeth and prepared for an extended vigil at the foot of the ruin. Why do the villagers insist on standing around at the base of the ruin? Why don’t they just shoot every vacationer in range and hurry things up? Why ever take a chance that one would escape? and why don’t the vines just get it over with already? They can obviously move swiftly and they can think. Do they enjoy taunting the vacationers more than just killing them? Once the vacationers figure out that the vines are the issue, why not start chucking them at the villagers the way they did with that one kid? Wouldn’t this cause the villagers to kill one another off? And since none of the villagers is willing to get near the ruin to kill the vacationers, the vacationers are in no danger as long as they chuck vines out from the top? Hell, they could probably throw rocks or body parts at the villagers and they would scatter like roaches, thinking everything was infected. Does it even make sense that sprinkling some crap on the ground would stop the spread of this intelligent vine? I mean, what is that? Magic dust? If so, why not sprinkle it on the vines themselves and on the ruins, regaining a little more of the ruin each day? Anyways, a whole lot of the story just didn’t make sense. But, yes, it was entertaining and sometimes creepy.

    Have you ever seen Cannibal Holocaust? Seriously, that is the grossest movie you will ever see. It’s disturbing but still has a social message (if you can find it). I dare you to see that one.

  3. Nathalie said,

    I have heard of Cannibal Holocaust but haven’t had the opportunity to see it yet. I’ll definitely check it out. I liked the idea of evil plants, but you’re right about the plot holes. You sound like you would have kicked ass on those ruins.

  4. stoogepie said,

    I forgot to mention before that Meagan is right: I love this. I love you. You are lovely.

    One thing about Cannibal Holocaust: don’t read anything about it before you rent it. It will ruin it for you because it is a vile film made by a vile filmmaker. You will not be able to watch it if you read anything about how it was filmed.

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