This is why I don’t garden

October 24, 2008 at 6:48 pm (environmental blah blah, Movies, Scary movies)

Hey! Remember that one time when I started this blog and I said to myself, “Self, we are going to write¬† witty, intelligent things about horror movies and books because we love them and we are going to do it every day because thats what writers do,” and then, you know, I didn’t. But, today I will because I recently saw maybe the grossest movie I’ve ever seen. Its about plants. Evil ones.

The Ruins stars Jena Malone, the chick from Donnie Darko who my boyfriend has a major crush on and I don’t understand why because I AM THE ONLY GIRL HE FINDS ATTRACTIVE, so as soon as this thing started I kept shouting “That bitch from Donnie Darko is gonna die!” Not that I’m jealous or anything. Anywho, Jena and some other attractive twenty-somethings are in Mexico getting their drink on when they meet this German guy who invites them to check out some secret ruins. So the kids down some more Cabo Wabo tequila and head out to get some “culture.” And they go to the ruins, and things are totally bitchin until these natives come out of the jungle and start pointing guns at them. Of course, no one speaks the language, and after one of their buds get SHOT IN THE CHEST, the kids retreat onto the ruins, to regroup and plan how the hell they will get out of there.

Now it gets weird. There’s a whole lot of this one kind of vine on these ruins. And like any good survivor, everyone starts touching the vines. Which proceed to give everyone a wicked, painful rash. They also hear the dead guys cell phone ringing from within the ruins, so they decide to go and investigate. After one person paralyzes himself falling down the shaft, another girl and then another is sent down to investigate and get the phone.

But its not the phone ringing. Its the plant. Its mimicing the ring of a phone to lure them down there, into the dark. And when she reaches out to touch it, the vine grabs her hand. It dawns on the group that the villagers didn’t want to take them hostage, they were quarantining them because they had touched the plant.

I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but I didn’t open my eyes during the second half of this thing because it was so gross. And it really makes me think twice when I walk past creeping vines on my way to work in the morning. When the fog is right, and the wind is chilled, I can almost hear them rustling, waiting.

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Geeking out

August 20, 2008 at 11:04 pm (Geeking out, Harry Potter, Movies, unhealthy obessions, why Jacob didn't have sex with me last night)

So I am pretty much the LAST person on earth who hasn’t read the Harry Potter series. I’ll admit, I thought I was above it. After all, I’ve been reading Literature since I was old enough to reach the adult shelves at the library and I majored in English at a University and it was all very Postmodernish and Romantical and full of woolen scarves and ascot sweaters and Keats. Those are real terms, by the way. I know. I have a degree. And I make $12 an hour.

Anyway, I finally gave in when my boss, in an unusual act of kindness, lent me the first two books when I said I hadn’t read them. I wasn’t expecting much; I’ve never liked fantasy unless it had to do with flesh eating zombies, vengeful ghosts or dystopic future worlds where people eat their food in pill form.

But, my god. I am IN LOVE with these books. First off, the setting is incredible: a magical wizard school with monsters roaming its halls, secret passageways, magic mirrors and an evil cat stalking the halls looking for wrong-doing students. Secondly, the text is not dumbed down too much to make it suitable for kids. I even caught a masturbation joke in the second book and everyone talks in these cute English accents. Thirdly, the books incorporate all sorts of mythic history, which makes my middle-school heart sing.

However, since I have been so engaged and perhaps unhealthily fixated on these books, the following has happened:

1. I was at Whole Paycheck buying a slice of cheese (they sell them that way so poor people like me can sample the Gruyere) to eat with some crackers and a cup o’ noodles I brought for lunch, because I am very classy. When I got to the check stand, I had to fish my debit card out and in the process, pulled both my cup o’ noodle and my Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone out and slapped them on the counter while I plumbed the depths of my bag. Seizing upon my debit card, I emerged victoriously from my bag to find the two snide but cute Eastside boys (who were identifiable by their little biker caps and pube-ish facial hair) laughing at my children’s novel and 10 cent lunch. I paid for my cheese bits and left red-faced.

2. A 15-year-old boy nearly fell into my lap on the bus trying to read The Chamber of Secrets over my shoulder, though by the looks of his WOW t-shirt, I knew he must have read it before. I couldn’t really blame him; I’d have done the same thing.

3. I was at a particularly dull work meeting and was doodling little wizard pictures of Harry, Hermione and Ron when my co-worker noticed and asked what they were. I mumbled something about research for an in-depth literary essay on JK Rowling and shuffled my papers and tried to look busy and important while avoiding eye contact with everyone for the rest of the day.

4. I actually hung up on Jacob so I could finish the last ten pages of The Chamber of Secrets.

Now I’m on the third book. Hopefully next time you see me I won’t be firebombing Warner Brothers Studios in a Dumbledore outfit for pushing the release date for ‘The Half Blood Prince’ from this fall to next summer. (But seriously, WHY GOD WHY?)

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The Sentinel

July 28, 2008 at 10:40 pm (Movies) (, , , )

I watched The Sentinel after finishing the book it was based upon by Jeffrey Konvitz. The book was given to me by my neighbor, Troy, after I asked him to lend me something that would give me nightmares.

Things that give me nightmares:

1. Catholicism

2. Apartment hunting

3. Old people

Things that give me nightmares in this movie?

All of the above.

Released in 1977, The Sentinel stars Cristina Raines as New York model Alison Parker on the hunt for an over-priced New York brownstone. She finds one through a real estate agent, played by an aging Ava Gardner, moves in, and starts to realize that her new luxury abode wasn’t all that it was advertised as. First, there is the reclusive priest who can be seen from the street learing out of his window at the passers-by. Then, there’s the weird old man upstairs, Charles Chazen, who thinks his cat and bird can speak English (Played by Burgess Meredith, whom you may remember as the trainer in Rocky). Finally, there’s two lesbians (one of which is played by Beverly D’Angelo) who invite Alison over and then proceed to dry-hump each other in front of her.

Oh, and it turns out, that none of the preceding people actually exist, and the apartment building is deserted except for the reclusive priest. I don’t want to spoil anything for you, but holy shit. Mystical, Catholic mayhem ensues as Alison tries desperately to find out why she is the only person who can see the creepy cast of characters living in her apartment building, all the while trying to convince her douchey lawyer boyfriend (Played by the dude that played Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride) that she isn’t suffering from a good old-fashioned case of feminine “hysteria.” Throw in a climatic final scene complete with real-life disfigured people and circus freaks and you’ve got 92 minutes of creepy Catholic goodness. Look out for Christopher Walkin and Jeff Goldblum in bit parts as a detective and photographer, respectively.

In other news, I myself have found new digs across town where I hear rumors of a magical bus line that doesn’t take and hour and a half to get me downtown. I do have neighbors below me, but they’re fun, older ladies that were whooping it up on the front porch when I checked the place out. And I didn’t see a crucifix anywhere in the place.

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