9 to 5

August 27, 2008 at 12:00 am (environmental blah blah, Geeking out, gin and tonics, Harry Potter, Magic, why I shouldn't drink, why Jacob didn't have sex with me last night)

So I am one week into my new home and three books into the Harry Potter series, which is slowly turning me into even more of a geek than I was previously. Hippogryphs? Unicorns? Basilisks? Swoon! It doesn’t help that one of our good friends Nelson is staying with us currently, and so Jacob and Nelson have covered my new office in Magic cards (thats Magic: The Gathering, not enchanted cards, not nearly as cool as it sounds) and we also found a role playing game circa 1980 called ‘Top Secret‘ where you pretend to be a secret agent a la James Bond.

Wait where are you going? Ok, ok, enough with the nerd-talk.

So, one cool, hip thing I did this weekend was go out to dinner at Night Light with the lovely Kiala and the dashing Dane and the magnificent Meagn (Sorry Kiala, I couldn’t think of a ‘k’ word for beautiful) and then we went to Chopsticks and watched people sing karaoke. It was my first time at a karaoke bar and I was all prepped to sing Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 when some other broad got to it before me. But thats ok because Kiala and I danced to 9 to 5 and I was probably too drunk to remember the words anyway. Thats right, internet. I had FOUR gin and tonics which is a lot for me, trust me. I then left Chopsticks and made Jacob pick me up and bring me back to a friends house. And then I announced to the room that I could out smoke the shit out of everyone out drink the shit out of everyone and passed out on my friend’s couch.   And I felt fine the next day. But then on Monday I had some sort of evil, delayed hangover from Saturday and wanted to die. Has that ever happened to you? It was so unfair.

Oh, and I work at a newspaper that covers a lot of ‘green’ building and ‘green’ architecture and ‘green streets’ and green, green, green green. Could someone PLEASE come up with another way to say ‘green’ or ‘sustainable’ before I throw myself off of an Eco-roof? Suggestions can be left in the comments.

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Geeking out

August 20, 2008 at 11:04 pm (Geeking out, Harry Potter, Movies, unhealthy obessions, why Jacob didn't have sex with me last night)

So I am pretty much the LAST person on earth who hasn’t read the Harry Potter series. I’ll admit, I thought I was above it. After all, I’ve been reading Literature since I was old enough to reach the adult shelves at the library and I majored in English at a University and it was all very Postmodernish and Romantical and full of woolen scarves and ascot sweaters and Keats. Those are real terms, by the way. I know. I have a degree. And I make $12 an hour.

Anyway, I finally gave in when my boss, in an unusual act of kindness, lent me the first two books when I said I hadn’t read them. I wasn’t expecting much; I’ve never liked fantasy unless it had to do with flesh eating zombies, vengeful ghosts or dystopic future worlds where people eat their food in pill form.

But, my god. I am IN LOVE with these books. First off, the setting is incredible: a magical wizard school with monsters roaming its halls, secret passageways, magic mirrors and an evil cat stalking the halls looking for wrong-doing students. Secondly, the text is not dumbed down too much to make it suitable for kids. I even caught a masturbation joke in the second book and everyone talks in these cute English accents. Thirdly, the books incorporate all sorts of mythic history, which makes my middle-school heart sing.

However, since I have been so engaged and perhaps unhealthily fixated on these books, the following has happened:

1. I was at Whole Paycheck buying a slice of cheese (they sell them that way so poor people like me can sample the Gruyere) to eat with some crackers and a cup o’ noodles I brought for lunch, because I am very classy. When I got to the check stand, I had to fish my debit card out and in the process, pulled both my cup o’ noodle and my Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone out and slapped them on the counter while I plumbed the depths of my bag. Seizing upon my debit card, I emerged victoriously from my bag to find the two snide but cute Eastside boys (who were identifiable by their little biker caps and pube-ish facial hair) laughing at my children’s novel and 10 cent lunch. I paid for my cheese bits and left red-faced.

2. A 15-year-old boy nearly fell into my lap on the bus trying to read The Chamber of Secrets over my shoulder, though by the looks of his WOW t-shirt, I knew he must have read it before. I couldn’t really blame him; I’d have done the same thing.

3. I was at a particularly dull work meeting and was doodling little wizard pictures of Harry, Hermione and Ron when my co-worker noticed and asked what they were. I mumbled something about research for an in-depth literary essay on JK Rowling and shuffled my papers and tried to look busy and important while avoiding eye contact with everyone for the rest of the day.

4. I actually hung up on Jacob so I could finish the last ten pages of The Chamber of Secrets.

Now I’m on the third book. Hopefully next time you see me I won’t be firebombing Warner Brothers Studios in a Dumbledore outfit for pushing the release date for ‘The Half Blood Prince’ from this fall to next summer. (But seriously, WHY GOD WHY?)

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Watching under the influence (of Nyquil)

August 12, 2008 at 5:31 am (Scary movies) (, , )

So I was sick last week. I  borrowed a pile of DVDs from my neighbor and tore through them all except Cursed starring Christina Ricci and that cute guy from Dawson’s Creek. Not that I watched Dawson’s Creek. Ever.

Anyway, Cursed is about this PR minion (Christina Ricci) who’s dating this super-cool club promoter guy (Pacey from Dawson’s Creek) when a werewolf is let loose upon the city of Los Angeles. PR lady and her little bro hit some kind of animal while on their way home one night, causing them to slam into another car. When they attempt to rescue the other driver, the animal, which resembles a giant wolf, drags the passenger into the forest, biting PR lady and her bro en route.

This is where things start to get blurry. Basically, everyone in the movie starts becoming a werewolf somehow and people are all hairy and horny and eating raw meat and things. Then its a guessing game as to which werewolf is the ultimate supreme werewolf that if killed, will release the other folks from their werewolfdom. In the spirit of not ruining the ending, I will offer a list of potential candidates:

1. Pacey from Dawson’s Creek

2.  Portia de Rossi (playing a psychic)

3. Shannon Elizabeth

4. That guy from Heroes who’s dating the cheerleader in real life

5. Scott Baio

6. Kitty from Arrested Development

7.  Craig Kilborn

8. Mya

I’ll give you a hint. Its not who you hope it is. This movie is awful.

To end on a positive note, I leave you with a clip from a much better werewolf movie, The Howling. Did I mention this is really gross? Seriously. I just threw up a little in my mouth when I thought about it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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The Summer Flu: The ultimate in evil

August 6, 2008 at 6:50 pm (Uncategorized)

So, I have the flu. And its summer. And I don’t understand why I have the flu in the summer because its sunny and not rainy and cold. What the hell, immune system? So, I tried to console myself with a werewolf movie called Cursed that stars Christina Ricci.

This may or may not have been a mistake. I am still deciding through my flu medicine induced coma. I’ll have my postmortem on that tomorrow. In the mean time, please please please come to this event.

I am currently interning for the lovely Melissa Lion and Frayn Masters and assisting them with an amazing project called BackFence PDX. BackFence PDX is a bi-monthly, evening event in which six people each tell a six-minute, unscripted story based on a theme. This month, the theme is True Colors, like the Cyndi Lauper song. This month’s storytellers include Mercury news reporter Matt Davis, fashion designer Adam Arnold, IFCC creative director Adrienne Flagg, Reuben Nisenfeld, radical feminist Frances Miller and short story writer Frank D’Andrea.

Basically, it is going to be off the hook. Or, a real hootenanny, if you are more comfortable with that. Did I mention there’s booze? And food? And its only $7?

Oh, and if you are one of the first 50 people to register here for the event, you get a sweet-ass button. Plus, if you come I’ll give you a kiss. No tongue though. I am a lady.

BackFence PDX
Wednesday, August 13 @ 7:30 p.m.
Urban Grind East
2214 N.E. Oregon Street
$7

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The Sentinel

July 28, 2008 at 10:40 pm (Movies) (, , , )

I watched The Sentinel after finishing the book it was based upon by Jeffrey Konvitz. The book was given to me by my neighbor, Troy, after I asked him to lend me something that would give me nightmares.

Things that give me nightmares:

1. Catholicism

2. Apartment hunting

3. Old people

Things that give me nightmares in this movie?

All of the above.

Released in 1977, The Sentinel stars Cristina Raines as New York model Alison Parker on the hunt for an over-priced New York brownstone. She finds one through a real estate agent, played by an aging Ava Gardner, moves in, and starts to realize that her new luxury abode wasn’t all that it was advertised as. First, there is the reclusive priest who can be seen from the street learing out of his window at the passers-by. Then, there’s the weird old man upstairs, Charles Chazen, who thinks his cat and bird can speak English (Played by Burgess Meredith, whom you may remember as the trainer in Rocky). Finally, there’s two lesbians (one of which is played by Beverly D’Angelo) who invite Alison over and then proceed to dry-hump each other in front of her.

Oh, and it turns out, that none of the preceding people actually exist, and the apartment building is deserted except for the reclusive priest. I don’t want to spoil anything for you, but holy shit. Mystical, Catholic mayhem ensues as Alison tries desperately to find out why she is the only person who can see the creepy cast of characters living in her apartment building, all the while trying to convince her douchey lawyer boyfriend (Played by the dude that played Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride) that she isn’t suffering from a good old-fashioned case of feminine “hysteria.” Throw in a climatic final scene complete with real-life disfigured people and circus freaks and you’ve got 92 minutes of creepy Catholic goodness. Look out for Christopher Walkin and Jeff Goldblum in bit parts as a detective and photographer, respectively.

In other news, I myself have found new digs across town where I hear rumors of a magical bus line that doesn’t take and hour and a half to get me downtown. I do have neighbors below me, but they’re fun, older ladies that were whooping it up on the front porch when I checked the place out. And I didn’t see a crucifix anywhere in the place.

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Horrifying: Mission statement

July 23, 2008 at 3:03 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I’m writing this blog because I thought it would be a good way to get myself to write every day instead of saying “I’m going to write today!” and then falling asleep with a glass of gin in hand watching a scary movie.

So, I decided to combine my love for horror films, gin and all things goose-bumpy with something that will keep my 20-something attention span focused on a single project. And hopefully, it will attract other people who love zombies, witches, vampires, wolf-men and she-wolves (In a completely non-creepy, non-furry, non-black-vinyl-cape-from-Hot-Topic way) and maybe it will save my boyfriend from having to hear me lecture on why films like The Amityville Horror and Burnt Offerings focus on the anxieties of young, recently married couples with children coping with managing a household on their own for the first time, yet again.

That plot sounds familiar to me, if you replace marriage with cohabitation and the kids with two obese felines and the creepy old mansion with a creepy suburban apartment where the cabinets fall off their hinges regularly and the carpet smells like mold. I’m moving in a few weeks, did I mention that?

Anyway, thanks for being here and here’s hoping this thing lasts beyond two blog posts.

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